Sunday, November 26, 2006

Holiday Gift Guide

Now that the holiday shopping season is officially underway (and not a day too soon, you pre-Halloween opportunists), all pretense at civilized retailing has disappeared. Anything and everything is fair game in the bid for your Christmas dollars. I prefer to shop online, which is handy in that I avoid the crowds, the Nutcracker music and the subsequent headaches, but not-so-nice in that I must sift through a lot of crap to get to the cream, if you will. My list becomes a compendium of things to avoid rather than a selection of gifts to actually purchase.

Here are a few things not to buy for your dog this holiday (clockwise, from top left):

SPINY BOMB - Let your pet chew on a land mine! This toy is a shout out to three-legged dogs in war-torn countries all over the world.

BACON CHEESEBURGER SAUCE - So every meal can be artificially flavored.

OSTRICH LEG BONE - This looks like something you might steal from the Museum of Natural History. Or an archeological dig.

- It's latex, it's nubbed - need I say more?

RUBBER TORTOISE - This is a kid's craft project passed off as a dog toy. It's like a bad Aztec figurine with blue nail polish and some haphazard spray paint. Truly one of the worst toys I've ever seen.

DOG COLOGNE - Relive the eighteenth century! Instead of bathing your dog, douse him in perfume. These aerosol sprays are copied from "popular fragrances," which I take to mean Brut or Jean Nate, and will technically constitute cruelty to animals when applied liberally.

SNOWMAN KILLER - What's with the eight eyes and the spiked feet? This toy comes alive at night and wreaks havoc in your neighborhood.

DINO BONE - I can barely stand to look at this thing, it's so horrible. It's actually called a dino bone. It's probably extra-large human.

GIANT FLY - Gross. Imagine this toy with a few coats of dog slobber all over it. Merry Christmas!

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