Shopaholic

Ever since I joined the world of dog and cat retail, I find myself cruising online pet wholesalers looking for new and interesting toys to bring into the store. Although I admit I'm a pretty tough customer, it's not like I'm looking for the doggie equivalent of American Girl. I'm not insane. I'm just looking for a bit of irony and reasonably high production values. It's harder than you might think.

As I discovered during last year's holiday-shopping bonanza, there are far more bad toys than good ones. And some are really bad.

Here are some I found this week (clockwise, from top left):

PLUSH SHOTGUN SHELL - In case you don't have your own casings lying around after a few fun-filled rounds with the family.

ESTIE DOGLAR FUZZY LIPSTICK - Another winner from the people who brought you Bark Jacobs, Kate Spayed, Chewy Vuiton and all the rest. LAME. This looks dog-related to me all right, but not of something you want to be putting anywhere near your mouth.

"ROUGH AND RUGGED DIMPLED TOY" - Wow. I don't believe I even need to add my observations to this one. Its name and shape speak for itself.

LEOPARD THONG - Because strippers and hos love dogs, too!

RUBBERY RIB RACK - With a side of cole slaw, please. The weird thing about this tasty rack o' fake meat is that it isn't actually meant to be eaten, despite its realistic appearance. Perhaps that's a good thing considering that it's made of "inert, soft thermoplastic polymer and non-toxic luminous powder". That can't be good.

ROCKS - Like marshmallows, only much, much harder.

ALIEN CACTUS - What is this? It looks like a Chernobyl victim in a turtleneck. I sort of get that it's supposed to be a cactus, but why a cactus with a human face? Maybe it's a reference to a kids' book I haven't read.

SPACKLE CHEW - For DIY dog owners: smear your spread of choice in between the grooves and watch your pet go crazy! Also doubles as a texturized paint roller.